" Before there was Johnny V there was the man who gave me my straight up realisation smack. The guy who made me see how addicted to the wrong men I really am. His name was Brian Lowes "
August, September 2008
Their relationship consisted of silence, unease and pillows covered in mascara. Brian had coaxed Hayley out of her tea party coma and faux marriage of a relationship with Derek Sans. He had kept her on ice for weeks while she was tortured into an internet affair with him. They talked always. They were perfect for eachother, she hated him, he didn't have any feelings. Or maybe he had too many?
She would wait for him. Days. She would sleep exactly 8 hours and wait for him all day until she fell asleep at 12 and awoke to live it all again. He never called and if he texted it would be sporadic and just to keep her hanging on. He would invite her places and never turn up. He insulted her...Everything. Until she barely spoke. One time He even asked her to "never snort again when you laugh, itt makes you disgusting" She HATED him but she was weak from a broken heart and the fear of starting a new life after her five year arrested development with Derek. She had been a bad girl held dormant! She had even been Susie home-maker, an awful fucking one, who would stay up all night and worry and eat nothing during the day. They were lying in the bed one night, and Brian told Hayley that he loved her. She said it was bullshit and that he could try all he wanted to freak her out but it would never work. So he said again:
" I love Hayley Klien"
She turned from his spoonage to look him in the, propped herself on her elbow and said
"I love you too Brian, so so much"
Then collapsed back down to her previous position, pleased with her fuck you and fuck your feelings retort.
"I really do love you"
"Oh I love you too!!!"
"I will and always will, I love everything about you, really! Believe me"
"My god I feel exactly the same!!"
Silence.
" Hayley, I love you"
"I love you too"
And that time they really, really wanted it to be true. They meant it as much as two awful human beings, who had been thrown together as some sort of rebound punishment, could mean such meaningful words. Truth is both of them were so horrible that they didn't even know anyone else exsisted. They were disgusting.
Two weeks later they "broke- up" after a series of sexy events. Brian had threatened to hit Hayley, Hayley had stood at the side of the bed naked and felt the ompulsion tell him her darkest secret because telling him had been like relling a priest: no-one would ever be told, he didn't care enough to say it. He had just stared blankly at her with the dis-interest of someone who had just told him that they had broken the tip of a #2 pencil.
he finally woke up and realised that she was "his dirty little secret". It's funny how often one can describe ones self as that.
She was his filler, he hated where they lived and he hated her for being from there. He had told her so. She asked before they walked away from eachother " Will you always be all fucked up? Don't you wish that we could just get better. Couldn't you get better with me?"
" Yes"
So she left. It would have started again if she didn't.
"It's all pussy talk really. It was bullshit. He wouldn't let me have sex to lollipop by lil' wayne either."
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