Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Hayley insight

The sun is burning every inch of my bare skin, and the rain is a huge blissful contrast. I watch her,watching lovers, watching eagerly her eyes searching faces to find their positions in life. She's trying to replicate their smiles, observant of every move they make. The only time she stops watching them is when she looks to the sky closes her eyes and breaths in the fresh air.

Her arms lie flat aginst her body, her back straight up, always posturally confident. They don't see her watching, I guess, it's almost the same as her no longer noticing me as a permanent fixture.

I have had to let go of the person I was to fully invest in the person she is, but she isn't person quite yet so I am in essence in limbo. We have an unspoken companionship. So we are fine. No better no worse. I don't just write about hayley I live her, breath her sadness and drown in her thoughts.

"My father is morally bankrupt, yaknow, so in turn I am a part of him. So to replace all the awful voids he has left me with I fill them with bad boys. I was told recently that you could see it in my eyes that I meant when I said I had been naive for going near Johnny V but that wasn't all it was. I would do it again, I needed to gain the experience to feel it. To feel alive, like, dangerous things don't scare me. My mam used to say I always stepped just alittle to close to the edge of the footpath. That people would just have to see if I stepped off. I like that. I like that you don't know. But I don't know either"

Recently it has been brought to my attention that she compares me to Jenny Schecter, I take that to mean she believes I am slightly void of feeling, a little like a disillusioned sociopath.etc. I take all her views as compliments because it's better the devil you know, you know?

She's walking away now too close to the boys again so I have to go. Her thoughts are such well laid out plans really. Its just unfortunate that she's going down a path she can't come back from.

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