Saturday, July 17, 2010
She just keeps saying it to me over and over.
Usually she's easy to read but now she's changing like a bipolar train to cazy town. She has a bandage all round her ribs covering her rage scars. She's cutting and burning her flesh. She's usually so lucid so her explanations of her injuries are... well she claims that she's doing it to keep her pain about Johnny V fresh. Physically visible. So that she remembers all the things she has to "repay him for".
"If my skin heals quickly, I need his infliction to be constantly present. Around me. My circumference covered in him. It sound fuckin' mental, I know but there is method to most madness... fucking hell if I don't feel it... it makes my flesh feel hot and overwhelmed when I bend over or extend in anyway it reminds me and focuses my energy."
A Sunday in 2000 about 15:00
Pigtails, because her hair was too short, a pink t-shirt with the words I hate pink sew in ,badly, by her to make a womanly protest. She's underdressed for the fancy lunch about to take place. Her best friend Euewn H is making horribly, digging comments towards her Dad. She shifts uncomfortably, feeling lightheaded, nauseous and very, very afraid. The night before Hayley had told Euewn about the things her Dad had done. It was the first person she had ever shared it with. She greatly regretted it. "You'd think that you wouldn't hit children don't you agree mam, it's an awful thing to do isn't ?" he pointed the question at Hayley's dad and she lost her breath. Her heart ached and her veins felt itchy. Why..... Why.... Why... she was stuck in a mental loop. "What's your favourite song, Hayley?"...."Lucky by Bif Naked"... "your song choices are all so shitty aren't they, Hayley? I mean they seem dark like...why is that?" She looked up and tears stung her eyes but she wouldn't close them because then they would fall. She never cried in front of people. The next day Euewn told her he had a dream about her dad, he had locked her up and raped her and her sister. She never regretted opening a door so much, so she counteracted it by shutting the door on Euewn.
It is believed that a manifestation is: one of the forms in which someone or something, such as a person, a divine being, or an idea, is revealed. Hayley's past is now revealing itself in various forms of manifestation.It's Johnny V's hard luck that he happened to choose her at her moment of her intense gesticulation.